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Sunday, 27 June 2010

Winter Warmer Project

This is a series of illustrations to go with brief for an article from Sleazenation magazine about keeping warm in the winter. As you can tell, my ideas were not entirely serious. They are:
Attach several small animals to yourself to form a living jacket (Pros- Environmentally friendly, and great if you love wildlife, but remember, a coat is for life, not just Christmas; Cons- Urine stains down your front, and any time a squirrel crosses your path, your coat will drag you, yapping and hissing down the street).

Buy a puffer jacket, cut open each puff, and turn them into hot water bottles (Pros- Pleasant, gentle heating, which will also soothe upset stomachs; Cons- Unpleasant and embrrassing if you spring a leak, and will cool to an ice-pack if you stay out too long).

Iron your clothes while you're still wearing them (Pros- Fresh, crisp and warm clothes and skin; Cons- Painful blisters and burns, plus the prohibitive cost of constant skin grafts).

Get a job at a laboratory and genetically modify yourself to be less susceptible to the cold (Pros- You'll be able to go out in January, wearing just your pants; Cons- Get it wrong, and you'll grow toes out of your forehead).
 Volunteer for some insanely dengerous experiments and become a thermally powered superhero (Pros- You could gain fame, respect and tremendous power, and you'll be able to wear your pants outside your trousers, if you want; Cons- You'll have to spend the rest of your life in mortal fear of Kryptonite).
Sleep in the oven (Pros- Saves on central heating and double glazing, and is convenient if you do lots of cooking, as the oven will still be warm; Cons- Take at least one night off a week, or you'll end up basted).

Do you love the smell of napalm in the morning? Try bathing in it for that all day long scorched-Earth-warm feeling (Pros- Not only warm enough to flay the flesh from your bones, but sticks to your skin, so you'll be toasting for hours after you get out of the tub; Cons- After a couple of baths, there will be no flesh left below your waist).
    ©2010 James Mathurin